the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize