So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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