so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
