I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
