what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize