some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize