i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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