According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
