This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
