Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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