About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
