Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
