What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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