sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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