Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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