i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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