I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I looked at my own cervix.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
