Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
