I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
