after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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