We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
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