Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
