when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
