So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
