I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
