you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
