I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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