I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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