you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
