I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
