I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
