You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Randomize
