woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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