Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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