The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Blood and glitter go together right?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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