oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
