Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
