How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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