I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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