She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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