allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
