I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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