Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
