Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
