If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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