For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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