Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
why is half of my head shaved?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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