Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
