today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
