Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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