The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just found puke in my bra..
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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