just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
