If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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