Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
